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  She Brings Me Turtles
« on: December 17, 2009, 09:29:37 PM » by Lynn Doiron
Why do this when I want nothing?
Why give living gifts I must feed?

See them, in the clear jug, in water,
then on a flat rock stung with lichen
and strewn with dehydrated shrimp
so tiny in life as to slip through the eye
of a needle, tinier in death – and ignored. 

They see each other and in each other
themselves, duplicated colorations
and striations of yellow green, shells
without variation, crowded with geometries—

This one on top of his southbound friend
faces north, head over tail,
a Dr. Zeuss stack – almost.  Almost
a two-headed one, but not.

Look at them, at their patience
with proximity, with confinement
as elliptical as orbits
in this fat and vast universe—

even with turtles, the pull of land
and push of water written a long time ago
on the underpinnings of being,

there is an idea of freedom,
an exercise of legs, a stretching of necks,
a sense of somewhere other.
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My blogs:
http://lwww.lynndoiron.wordpress.com for memoir/journal/poetry

  Re: Now the Aquatic Turtles Arrive
« Reply #1 on: December 17, 2009, 10:38:09 PM » by Tom Riordan
Lynn, a jolly sight, the turtles, reminds me of your frenchfry-colored scorpions. You're running your own imaginarium, and what fun to visit. The "sense of somewhere other" very much a part of me and I love seeing it in your turtles. Tom
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  Re: Now the Aquatic Turtles Arrive
« Reply #2 on: December 17, 2009, 11:01:41 PM » by Peter.R
I enjoyed this, and what a superb ending:

there is an idea of freedom,
an exercise of legs, a stretching of necks,
a sense of somewhere other.


 
'through the eye of a needle' has put me on high cliche alert though ;) 
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  Re: Now the Aquatic Turtles Arrive
« Reply #3 on: December 17, 2009, 11:07:51 PM » by Peter.R
No, I take that back.  I like eye of a needle.  Works well and highly appropriate in this context
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  Re: Now the Aquatic Turtles Arrive
« Reply #4 on: December 17, 2009, 11:29:42 PM » by Lynn Doiron
Thank you, Peter.  I was pleased with end S on this one.  I'm glad it worked for you, and for Tom.  I realized something in the writing of this.  Won't go into that something now as it might color how other readers may interpret -- but I do love when a thing happens inside my head, a discovery of sorts that comes through an observation(s) and writing down what I witness. 

Thank you, Tom.  Don't tell, I had to have the landlord spray the place again after the rains drove another tiny french fry with claws inside.  Shhh, or Mags may never come back!

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My blogs:
http://lwww.lynndoiron.wordpress.com for memoir/journal/poetry

  Re: Now the Aquatic Turtles Arrive
« Reply #5 on: December 18, 2009, 03:43:44 AM » by cherylleverette
Why do this when I want nothing?
Why give living gifts I must feed?

See them, in the clear jug, in water,
climbed on a flat rock stung with lichen
and strewn with dehydrated shrimp
so tiny in life as to slip through the eye
of a needle, tinier in death – and ignored. 

They see each other and in each other
themselves, duplicated colorations
and striations of yellow green, shells
without variation, crowded with geometries—

This one on top of his southbound friend
faces north, head over tail,
a Dr. Zeuss stack – almost.  Almost
a two-headed one, but not.

Look at them, at their patience
with proximity, with confinement
as elliptical as orbits
in this fat and vast universe—

even with turtles, the pull of land
and push of water written a long time ago
on the underpinnings of being,

there is an idea of freedom,
an exercise of legs, a stretching of necks,
a sense of somewhere other.


love seeing 'freedom' in this poem.  i think if you had your own signature, it might be just that.

do have a couple of things to mention:

and strewn with dehydrated shrimp
so tiny in life as to slip through the eye
of a needle, tinier in death – and ignored

eye of a needle seems to be broken in an odd way.
also would 'smaller' be better than tinier?

these things are just thoughts, of course, not sure if changes would improve this poem.  it's already a good one.  love the 'flat rock' passage, and arms and legs in the end.

cheryl
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A poet dares be just so clear and no clearer.... He unzips the veil from beauty, but does not remove it.  A poet utterly clear is a trifle glaring.  ~E.B. White

  Re: Now the Aquatic Turtles Arrive
« Reply #6 on: December 18, 2009, 10:12:38 AM » by Lynn Doiron
Thanks, Cheryl.  You give me areas to think on -- I appreciate the nudges to reconsider choices.  I know I made the break after 'eye' to give the pause, the idea in mind was to lend that line the sense of the shrimp being overlooked, and also to break up the cliche 'eye of a needle'.  But, if the break calls too much attention to itself, may not be worth the sacrifice.  With tiny and tinier -- hm -- I wanted the repeat.  But again, may not be the best choice.  Will think on it.
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My blogs:
http://lwww.lynndoiron.wordpress.com for memoir/journal/poetry

  Re: Now the Aquatic Turtles Arrive
« Reply #7 on: December 18, 2009, 10:18:41 AM » by cherylleverette
Lynn, don't know if you made any changes but it seems better now.  maybe just a 'first read' kind of experience for me.  or maybe i should save my comments for the morning.

nevertheless, i can rest assured you're not miffed, and you know exactly what to do with your writing.

cheryl
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A poet dares be just so clear and no clearer.... He unzips the veil from beauty, but does not remove it.  A poet utterly clear is a trifle glaring.  ~E.B. White

  Re: Now the Aquatic Turtles Arrive
« Reply #8 on: December 18, 2009, 11:24:09 PM » by Lynn Doiron
No changes made.  I seldom get miffed about the work; the work might get miffed but I tell it it needs to act like a room and allow its furniture to be rearranged from time to time; we can always draw the curtains and put it back, just as it was.
 
[I was a little miffed about a neighbor bringing me these two turtles as a gift.  Does she have something against turtles?  But today I actually found myself talking to them, rearranging their colorful rocks, freshening their water.  Maybe these little reptilian critters were needed in this house.  I just hope they live.  I'm not the best keeper of living things.]
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My blogs:
http://lwww.lynndoiron.wordpress.com for memoir/journal/poetry

  Re: Now the Aquatic Turtles Arrive
« Reply #9 on: December 19, 2009, 11:25:43 AM » by Kevin Jackson
Lynn, what a delight from start to finish.  I would never think of giving turtles as a gift, what friends you have!

The only bump is use of "climbed".... each time I read that jars.

k
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Find out more about me and my poems at http://kevnjacksn.wordpress.com/

  Re: Now the Aquatic Turtles Arrive
« Reply #10 on: December 19, 2009, 12:09:18 PM » by Lynn Doiron
Thanks, keven.  i've swapped out 'climbed' for 'then'  ---- if i find i miss the more active climbed, i can always trade it back in.  But i can see where this might be a word comfortable to me but not for others.  Very much appreciate your bump note.  best thoughts and good cheer!  lynn
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My blogs:
http://lwww.lynndoiron.wordpress.com for memoir/journal/poetry

  Re: Now the Aquatic Turtles Arrive
« Reply #11 on: December 19, 2009, 12:13:34 PM » by milner place
Love this, Lynn. Must pick.

milner
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'Caminante, no hay camino,
se hace camino al andar'
- Antonio Machado

Latest book 'naked invitation' $15 or £10, p&p inc milnerplace@msn.com

  Re: Now the Aquatic Turtles Arrive
« Reply #12 on: December 19, 2009, 12:24:15 PM » by Lynn Doiron
I thank you, Steve and McQueen, mi tortugas, thank you.  [or is that mis torgugas?] 

Any thoughts on 'climbed' vs. 'then' ?
Any thoughts on title?  Should I try to work the idea of gift into title?  hmmmm
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My blogs:
http://lwww.lynndoiron.wordpress.com for memoir/journal/poetry

  Re: Now the Aquatic Turtles Arrive
« Reply #13 on: December 19, 2009, 01:26:17 PM » by Tom Riordan
opening lines not as clear as they might be in conveying they are a gift to N: sounds like N may be giving them to someone else. the "then" seems fine....tom
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  Re: She Brings Me Turtles: Why?
« Reply #14 on: December 19, 2009, 01:33:21 PM » by Lynn Doiron
Title change.  Better?  Worse?  ho-hum?
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My blogs:
http://lwww.lynndoiron.wordpress.com for memoir/journal/poetry

 (Read 5779 times) [1] 2 3  All
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