after a night of love
he takes back his  arms
and  starts his  journey again
his feet leaving her
all silence

she is asleep and  naked
as if everything is taken away from her

her soul is nowhere to be found
her body nothing but mere skin keeping tiny bones

she wakes up at ten
her glances are  like blank walls

she starts to speak to herself
her words argue among themselves senselessly
her mind flies away like a bird
against the strong winds

she does not know about land anymore
always there is this inevitable departure

Enjoyed this, Emma. L2, S2 and 2nd to last line seem very strong to me. The last line thinner, a few others too "her glances are like blank walls" could be strengthened I think by removing "like" or made "she glances at blank walls" or other ways. Tom

Hi emma.  Nice view of casual sex and some really good lines.  I think Tom's suggestions would work for you.

cheryl

Emma--Interesting take on a one night stand. Particularly liked S2 & 5. I agree that eliminating 'like' from L11 would add strength to that image. I also agree that the last line could be a little stronger, maybe something a little more vague. Enjoyed this one.

well captured, emma

Stella

love the 1st stanza

maybe you could end at:

she does not know about land anymore

after a night of love
he takes back his  arms
and  starts his  journey again
his feet leaving her
all silence

she is asleep and  naked
as if everything is taken away from her

she is  nowhere to be found
her body but tiny bones to filaments of flesh bound

she wakes up at ten
her glances are   blank walls

she starts to speak to herself
her words argue among themselves senselessly
her mind flies away like a bird
against the strong winds

she does not know about land anymore

Dunno if you did it purposely or not emma, but I like the large space before 'blank walls'.
Kinda cool, really.

now, allow me to be really nit-nasty and suggest taking a chance with removing 'like a bird' too.  a bird flying against the wind doesn't seem as fresh to me as a mind flying against the wind.

cheryl

I'd like to hear a little more about 'him'.  Seems a bit one-sided at the moment Emma, a bit too introspective.  I'm just wondering how he felt....?

Emma, you have many exellent suggestions
so I won't repeat the lines that could be cut.
My strongest reaction is to the title of
the poem.  It was casual sex for him,
but clearly a disaster for her.  It's
more like the end of her world.
The previous last line that you deleted:
always there is this inevitable departure
tells us she has done this before,
likely with different partners.
She is not able to handle casual sex,
yet continues this pattern.

My point is not to change the wording
of the poem, only the title.
I strongly believe it is misleading;
may be an attention getter - but
not accurate. There are so many
more intriguing potential titles
that I couldn't begin to suggest one.
Marion

Hi Marion

I was timed out on my last reply! So, edited version this time! 

I'd avoid changing the title...I think it's good marketing.  I probably wouldn't have opened and read it otherwise.  Hundreds to chose from on this site.

Example...I've posted the 'casual sex play' in three acts - Rain, Rise and Regret - on the site.  Few views and only one comment!

Poems were probably rubbish, but could be the titles were too obtuse and nobody bothered to open?

Either way, Emma's got loads of views and some great feedback.  I guess that's what we're all after.

Hi Sheridan.

It's nice to meet you.  I haven't read your poems.
I don't review or post often here - too liberal in the
writing and my taste is more traditional.
I get your point totally, but I think it diminishes
the poem.  I don't think it is really about
casual sex, but a delusional girl
looking for love in the wrong places.

The titles that you mentioned for your poems
are very common and probably each one
has a million or more poems with the same
name.  We have to be creative but a title
should be meaningful.  Perhaps something like
Expectations for this one. I like to name poems
after popular movies or books, usually with a
slight twist.  Since sex sells, how about
Erotic Expectations or The Morning After Sex
etc. etc. or All through the Night?
I'm just getting started so better go off. 

Please know the suggested titles are tongue
in cheek though would demand attention.
I get lots of reads for my poems, more
than average but few responses.  Go figure.
LOL
M       

You know what, there's nothing like self promotion, so if you could have a look at my poems and suggest new titles for my three dittys I'd really appreciate it. 

I was thinking Foreplay, Erection, Ejaculation.  These words appear to attract the best responses....talk about tongue in cheek!

Appreciate your reading of Emma's poem, I did get it...just wanted to register the disillusional boy.

I'm going to read your stuff now...stand by!

Shezza 

i have nothing to say. I will write another poem instead. Thanks for the comments.

Emma,

Please do not forsake this lovely piece.  The longing and reaching of the N is beautiful, familiar.  I love it.  I'm not a fan of altering the works of others, but I feel this would shine with a bit of pruning.  I have taken liberties in modifying.  Please forgive is this changes your original piece, and please feel free to ignore.

Again, it's lovely; please don't abandon it.

Regarding the title, this does not speak of casual sex, at least not for her.  I think you may want to focus on the involuntary nature of her solitude for a title, just a thought.

Thanks,

tiko

after a night of love
he takes back his arms
starts his journey again
feet leaving
until silence

she sleeps naked
everything taken
nothing but skin
keeping tiny bones


her glance is a blank wall


she speaks to herself
argues
her mind flies like a bird
against strong winds

not knowing how to land
after this inevitable departure

emma, it really is hard to see so many suggestions made in regard to a poem sincerely written.  sometimes comments have nothing to do with telling you how lovely and perfect everything is, but rather, it's all about how to improve your writing. 

personally, i would much rather get alot of comments like this one has, to help me, rather than my poem just sit, unattended.

cheryl

really good work. I like it a lot. Well done. Best wishes.

Emma, I really like this.  I feel the whole poem is in the firrst 5 lines. (and what a poem!).... everything else is a over-long goodbye.

k

Please don't give up on your poem Emma. I think all of the help offered adds up to one thing....it's a really good piece of work.  I keep reading it....for me the first two verses say it all, but the more I read it, the more I get the whole of it.

Sher

This piece is quite nice.

I like this. Funny how one's perception of this poem is influenced by the perceived gender of the author. Change the he to she, though. Does it still work?