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Versions
« on: August 27, 2009, 04:55:13 PM » by larry jordan

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Re: Versions
« Reply #1 on: August 27, 2009, 05:18:36 PM » by Tom Riordan

Larry, how do we buy tickets?
You make me realize that a poem is a ticket to someplace you can't otherwise get into.
Tom

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Re: Versions
« Reply #2 on: August 27, 2009, 05:47:12 PM » by Jay Dougherty

I love this, Larry. I think you want a comma after "eaves," since your line breaks elsewhere are not substituting for that punctuation mark.

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I do not like to write. I like to have written. --Gloria Steinam

Re: Versions
« Reply #3 on: August 27, 2009, 07:51:25 PM » by Mike Barrett

great larry. your meter is always such a pleasure to unravel - intuitive for the tongue.

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Re: Versions
« Reply #4 on: August 27, 2009, 07:54:31 PM » by Tiko Lewis

Larry, very nice. Love the last 2 lines.

Tiko

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...i don't eat jelly beans afterward.

Re: Versions
« Reply #5 on: August 27, 2009, 08:45:16 PM » by jamesthomashoward

Another winner for me, Larry. Lovely rhyme, by/pie. Jay is right about the comma though, and I find 'bold faced' is awkward.

james

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Cough.

Re: Versions
« Reply #6 on: August 27, 2009, 09:06:02 PM » by StellaR

wonderful, Larry

Stella
(Tom's reply is too difficult to follow)

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“Logical argument is what destroys poetry because poetry is beyond logic.” Robert Graves

Re: Versions
« Reply #7 on: August 28, 2009, 12:06:00 AM » by MichelleBethCronk

Excellent - just for me, those last two lines make the poem - Michelle

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Re: Versions
« Reply #8 on: August 28, 2009, 07:37:57 AM » by ca.leverette

Larry, I think I understand this. And the writing is great. All I'll say for now.

peace,
cheryl

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"A poem begins as a lump in the throat, a sense of wrong, a homesickness, a lovesickness." ~ Robert Frost

Re: Versions
« Reply #9 on: August 28, 2009, 02:33:50 PM » by larry jordan

Thanks for the notes, and the catch, Jay. James, I am still struggling with 'bold face' I need a way to reset the metrical tone and so... Tom, that's the best compliment a poem could fish for.

larry

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Re: Versions
« Reply #10 on: August 28, 2009, 08:27:08 PM » by Kevin Jackson

Wonderful, Larry.

"Bold faced" is bumping for me too...

k

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Find out more about me and my poems at http://kevnjacksn.wordpress.com/

Re: Versions
« Reply #11 on: August 28, 2009, 11:27:48 PM » by Lavonne Westbrooks

Whether you change bold faced or not, its a pick.

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Re: Versions
« Reply #12 on: August 29, 2009, 08:54:59 AM » by milner place

Love this, Larry. Wonder if something like 'gape-billed' might serve for 'bold-faced'?

milner

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'Caminante, no hay camino,
se hace camino al andar'
- Antonio Machado

Latest book 'naked invitation' $15 or £10, p&p inc milnerplace@msn.com

Re: Versions
« Reply #13 on: August 29, 2009, 09:52:55 AM » by MichelleBethCronk

Bold-faced works for me (just my two cents )

I played with saying you could change it to something like "sings bold lyrics to the sun"

but I'm not sure it has the same hit without it - One of the reasons I like it is because it is a different way of saying it. The difference in the language caused me to look up and take notice.....the phrase "bold faced" makes all the difference when you get to those last two lines....

I've noticed that people tend to feel funny about lines that are a bit unconventional in grammar or sound or idea, but sometimes those are the lines that make it all worthwhile.

Michelle

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Re: Versions
« Reply #14 on: August 29, 2009, 02:47:53 PM » by silent lotus

Quote from: larry jordan on August 27, 2009, 04:55:13 PM

dear Larry

i wanted to preserve this version of Versions
to see where you heart leads you regarding your ....
I am still struggling with 'bold face'
as i can not really envision you struggling
but then again Hurricane Danny
is blowing strong today.

in the meantime lots of praise !

silent lotus

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Re: Versions
« Reply #15 on: August 30, 2009, 08:31:22 PM » by larry jordan

Thanks Milner, Kevin, Stella, Michelle, Silent and Lavonne for the pick. Milner, I like gape-billed. Been thinking about bare-assed but...Michelle, you make some intersting points and I'll leave it for now. It ususally takes weeks for the poem to talk back to me.

larry

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Re: Versions
« Reply #16 on: September 18, 2009, 12:11:38 AM » by MichelleBethCronk

Larry,

I know you are waiting for this one to talk to you - but it already talks to me and I want to read it over and over....

I'm trying to figure out why those last two lines hit me in the gut every time - there is no cushion from previous readings....they hit me new like the first time each time....

that in itself is enough for me to place it here....

Thanks, Michelle

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Re: Versions
« Reply #17 on: September 18, 2009, 12:21:46 AM » by Tiko Lewis

Quote from: Michelle Beth Cronk on September 18, 2009, 12:11:38 AM

Larry,

I'm trying to figure out why those last two lines hit me in the gut every time....they hit me new like the first time each time....
that in itself is enough for me to place it here....

Thanks, Michelle

Michelle,

Well said. Well placed.

Tiko

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...i don't eat jelly beans afterward.

Re: Versions
« Reply #18 on: September 18, 2009, 06:39:15 AM » by milner place

Terrific poem, great pick.

milner

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'Caminante, no hay camino,
se hace camino al andar'
- Antonio Machado

Latest book 'naked invitation' $15 or £10, p&p inc milnerplace@msn.com

Re: Versions
« Reply #19 on: September 18, 2009, 06:44:10 AM » by ca.leverette

Larry, loved this at first read. Love it now. So glad to see it here.

cheryl

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"A poem begins as a lump in the throat, a sense of wrong, a homesickness, a lovesickness." ~ Robert Frost

Re: Versions
« Reply #20 on: September 18, 2009, 07:56:43 AM » by Tom Riordan

Congrats, Larry. Fine to read this again! Tom

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Re: Versions
« Reply #21 on: September 18, 2009, 08:17:47 AM » by John Yamrus

Larry;
i can always count on you to be consistently interesting.
john

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Re: Versions
« Reply #22 on: September 18, 2009, 09:01:03 AM » by silent lotus

Quote from: larry jordan on August 30, 2009, 08:31:22 PM

i hope someone asked Larry if he was truly finished with his poem before publishing it on the front page
as he stated clearly that he usually needs weeks to consider making revisions
and he was still thinking about it in this last comment he posted.

silent lotus

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Re: Versions
« Reply #23 on: September 18, 2009, 10:22:43 AM » by StellaR

congratulations, larry
a great pick for Front Page

Stella

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“Logical argument is what destroys poetry because poetry is beyond logic.” Robert Graves

Re: Versions
« Reply #24 on: September 18, 2009, 01:55:55 PM » by william bibby

Quote from: larry jordan on August 27, 2009, 04:55:13 PM

Versions

In one arrangement, she is wreathed
in dandelion and teeth
and sings from the choir’s gallery.
We listen, glancing
at each other’s history.

She is wry and keeps the buttons
to her blouse tightly fastened.
Later, if you should happen by
there’ll be dancing
and gin with tomato pie.

A swallow, perched on the eaves,
sings bold faced to the sun.

On the other side of the table
under a harsh bare bulb,
sweat scrolls down her cheek.
She isn’t sure anymore
what she said to the bird.

I like this but it doesn't seem finished somehow. Several points....Stanza one sets us up..stanza two has her keep the buttons on her blouse tightly fastened in a wry way....how do you do that wryly...do you mean coyly? Then the swallow sings..bold faced or 'bold face to the sun?' So it's daylight. Yet she sits sweating under a harsh bare bulb...and then the lovely coda. I just feel that the BIG statements ...we listen, glancing at each others history...has to tie into the last two lines because they are the most resonant and mysterious and they leave me out....perhaps it's just me and I'm not bright enough to pick it up! Best wishes William

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Re: Versions
« Reply #25 on: September 19, 2009, 11:37:20 AM » by Pam Scobie

Exquisitely sad - but feisty! Great stuff!

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Re: Versions
« Reply #26 on: September 19, 2009, 01:08:27 PM » by jamesthomashoward

Superb poem, well worth the praise and the feature.

james

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Cough.

Re: Versions
« Reply #27 on: September 19, 2009, 02:16:14 PM » by larry jordan

What a surprise...been away. Thanks for the comments. Silent, there is another version out there. It omits the modifying 'bold face' all together. However it changes the way we see the subject in the room worrying up what version she's told in the past...
William, thanks for the close read. Wry is being pressured into serving as a noun and isn't modifying how or why she keeps her buttons fastened.

If I read the calendar right, thanks Michelle for the pick.

larry

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Re: Versions
« Reply #28 on: September 22, 2009, 11:25:54 AM » by Lynn Doiron

Much, much enjoyed and glad to find on pc's front page.

ld

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My blogs:
http://lwww.lynndoiron.wordpress.com for memoir/journal/poetry

Re: Versions
« Reply #29 on: September 22, 2009, 05:59:27 PM » by Lavonne Westbrooks

Me, too.

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