Scrabbling sideways, she leaves
Scars on diamond dusted sand,
Makes her way, makes her way, makes her way
                                                         down shore.
Grace does not
Bless her sidewise scrabbled drag,
Nor her albino shell,
Nor the small claw growing back.

Sea quivers, yawns long tin-ripple stretches,
While Moon shreds wafers, thinning wafers on the salt. 

Somewhere—in-sea or inland—her missing claw
Sits hollow, hallowed white. 

Still, she scrabbles,
Makes her way, makes her way, makes her way
With the one claw.

Some times one
Is plenty.

 

I'm a sucker for anything shore or sea worthy--I just wish here that the poem itself skittered a bit more as in perhaps

"Scrabbling side-wise
she scars on diamond
makes her way, makes way,
makes down shore.

No grace in a scrabbled
drag...  etc..."

Maybe try to fish out conjunctions, adverbs, and the like making the poem more like the tendency of a phrase like "Sea quivers," with its elision of the article.  (That couplet is beautiful, by the way).

I'm also not sure we need the sort-of "editorial" comment of the very ending. 

Might change "Sea quivers" simply to "The sea". It improves the flow of a beatifull line.

I like the possible implications of one being plenty, but Eric is right, the poem works as well without it.

Lovely,

Thank you.

Eric and Desiree -- Thank you both for your comments.  I was surprised to find The White Crab moved to featured poem.  And pleased.  I've made a few changes to the work below, probably not to the extent you've suggested eric. But I'm interested in what you and Desiree might think about the few I have made.  lynn


Scrabbling sideways, she leaves
Scars on diamonds,
Makes her way, makes her way, makes her way
                                                         down shore.
Grace does not
Bless her sidewise scrabbled drag,
Nor her albino shell,
Nor the small claw growing back.

Sea yawns long tin-ripple stretches;
Moon shreds wafers, thinning wafers on salt. 

Somewhere—in-sea or inland—her missing claw
Sits hollow, hallowed white. 

Still, she scrabbles,
Makes her way, makes her way, makes her way
With the one claw
Trailing scars.

~

I'm considering ending the poem after L2 of end stanza.  Thoughts? 

Lovely poem.......your way or anyway......enjoyed playing with your words....but you know how poetry is.....the minute you change one thing....the whole poem has an epilectic fit.



Scrabbling sideways, she leaves
Scars on diamond dusted sand,
Going elbow first, towards the edge
                                             
Grace does not
Bless her sidewise scrabbled drag,
Nor her albino shell,
Nor the small claw growing back.

The Sea yawns in long tin-ripples.
The Moon shreds thinning wafers on salt. 

Somewhere—wave soaked or inland baked—
a missing claw sits hollow, lifelessly pale,

But she scrabbles on,
Going elbow first towards the edge,
Downshore with one claw.

Scrabbling sideways, she leaves
Scars on diamond s, dusted sand,  (I miss this description - think on putting it back in??)
Makes her way, makes her way, makes her way
                                                         down shore.
Grace does not
Bless her sidewise scrabbled drag,
Nor her albino shell,
Nor the small claw growing back.   (very nice stanza)

Sea yawns long tin-ripple stretches;
Moon shreds wafers, thinning wafers on salt. 

Somewhere—in-sea or inland—her missing claw (would you consider taking this out?  seems understood)
Sits hollow, hallowed white. 

Still, she scrabbles,
Makes her way, makes her way, makes her way
With the one claw    (I would consider leaving it with the two sentances above OR....keep working that ending image.....stressing the "one is enough" idea....I've been racking my brain with a way to say it without saying it (you know what I mean).........

Here's a peak at it with my suggestions, so you can see it without all the above jumble....


Scrabbling sideways, she leaves
Scars on diamond dusted sand,
Makes her way, makes her way, makes her way
                                                         down shore.
Grace does not
Bless her sidewise scrabbled drag,
Nor her albino shell,
Nor the small claw growing back. 

Sea yawns long tin-ripple stretches;
Moon shreds wafers, thinning wafers on salt. 
Somewhere her missing claw
Sits hollow, hallowed white. 

Still, she scrabbles,
Makes her way, makes her way, makes her way
With what she's got.    (or something like that...)


What a great write Lynn.......hope something above was helpful my friend,  xo Michelle

I had to read this many times to able understand what Lynn was thinking.  This poems let us know to pick oneself up after being embarrassed, each individual does not need much items to help them out.

Sometimes one is plenty.  Each person would be wise to get a person to talk about issues.  The description of the scenery shows it is not easy to find a good person.  I wonder if my thoughts are  correct.

Hello Lynn,

this is my first comment in this forum--I hope it's helpful.  Beautiful images here and  sonically quite accomplished. I think this revision keeps the feel of the original but has more clarity.

Wilma

Scrabbling sideways, she leaves
Scars on diamonds, this is a more interesting construction that "diamond dusted" which seems a little twee--but now that lovely sibilance in gone :-(
Makes her way, makes her way, makes her way
                                                         down shore.

this repetiton is effective in conveying the laborous movements of crabs--the kind of hardscrabble lives they lead
Grace does not
Bless her sidewise scrabbled drag, the line is a bit of a tongue twister- - it might read more smoothly if you broke after "blessed" or perhaps  compressed the descriptors e.g. "sidewise scrabble" which would keep the "s" sounds that I so enjoy about this poem
Nor her albino shell,
Nor the small claw growing back.]

Sea yawns long tin-ripple stretches;
Moon shreds wafers, thinning wafers on salt. 

Somewhere—in-sea or inland—her missing claw
Sits hollow, hallowed white. 

Still, she scrabbles,
Makes her way, makes her way, makes her way
With the one claw
Trailing scars.

~

I'm considering ending the poem after L2 of end stanza.  Thoughts?

I might consider ending on the gorgeous image of the  penultimate stanza. that lost white clas leave the reader  with a definite springboard for further thought.
Good luck with this one. I enjoyed reading it.

Wilma!  Welcome!  Your thoughtful comments are much appreciated.  I think you may have hit the mark regarding an end with the image of the lost claw.  Truly.  I'll consider your other thoughts on this one as well. 

You appear to have a keen eye for sound and detail -- I'm eager to read your work.  best regards, lynn

Hey lynn nice to meet you.  I look forward to getting to know you all better.    but on to the poem


The White Crab 

(firstly the title, i might be particularyl dense tonight (which is very likely) but does the title refer to an actual albino crab or just one bleached by the sun?  i think either would work though)

Scrabbling sideways, she leaves
Scars on diamond dusted sand,
Makes her way, makes her way, makes her way
down shore.

(Nice enjambment of the first line.  The word "Leaves" in the first line seems a bit tame to me, umm maybe trails sorry cant think of many other examples at the moment. I like the image of the sand being diamond dusted gives me the feel of it being night time.  i just had trouble thinking of diamond dusted sand in the daytime.   ok im going to go against what willma said, i really dont like the repetition of makes her way.  Personally i find it a bit annoying and distracting from some lovely imagery and sonics in the first two lines.  i would in fact take out both of the bottom two lines we should find out she is heading for the shore later on in the poem it doesnt need to be stated so obviously at this early stage in the poem.) 
                                                       
Grace does not
Bless her sidewise scrabbled drag,
Nor her albino shell,
Nor the small claw growing back.

(this paragraph is important starts setting up for the finish which i will look at shortly.  You have already used the words scrabbled and sidwise so id look for alternatives there.  personally id put more description of the crab not only walking sideways but darting quickly changing direction, being every wary of predators.  In this paragraph we start seeing oh ok the crab has a hard life and this is oh so important so i think it should be expanded more than it is.  Show us his hardships hint to them with his gait, those darting quick movements that tell us he is constantly under attack and every wary.  but also be wary of making it overly lets feel sorry for the crab.  haha a hard task ::) but i dont know what else to say.  oh and one more quick thing again you make reference to the albino aspect of the crab, is this crab albino or just bleached?)


Sea quivers, yawns long tin-ripple stretches,
While Moon shreds wafers, thinning wafers on the salt. 

(while i find this to be a lovely sequence of words [long tin ripple stretches is beutifull] does it add to or help the poems meaning.  Im not so sure it does and in some poems there whole point is just the description of a time and place, but not this one i dont think.  its very much still up to you but i think take it out if its not adding anything meaninful to the poem.)


Somewhere—in-sea or inland—her missing claw
Sits hollow, hallowed white. 

(agree with michelle that the in sea or inland part should be omited.  Good stanza.  Now, the word hallowed thats very interesting.  all of a sudden the poem takes on a religious tone (unless of course you used the word hallowed without realising it meant holy) i dont know enough about religion to make any meaningfull comment though so i will still review the poem as i was) 

Still, she scrabbles,
Makes her way, makes her way, makes her way
With the one claw.

(Again ahah im not a fan of the repition.  i think here you should tell us she is goign towards the shore [though you dont have to, i think it could be assumed the crab is goign towards the shore]. This is vital, the realisation, understanding whole point of the poem.    despite the hardships awkward gait one claw missing etcetc.  she still makes her way to the shore.  Does it have human connotations? or are you just trying to show us the strivings and hardships of a lone crab?  which can be quite enormous.  My thoughts are that it has human connotations.  since it is so important and where the message becomes clear i think it should be strenghtened as well.  again show us the determination and strenght of the crab to go on even with only one claw.)

Some times one
Is plenty.

(Definately take out last stanza.  It doesnt really add much as it is explained in above stanza)

Just some other thoughts i had.  The crab is often referred to as 'she' i wonder if this is a more personal poem, maybe not about you maybe just about someone you know.  haha maybe i dont know i could be completely wrong.

the theme itself is one that has been done often but i think youve done a good job of pulling it off, nice work.

JT

Read the thread - which is as good as the poem.

Lynn,

this was an excellent find.
love this journey as well as
the repititions.

tiko