Walk on Water

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Walk on Water
« on: July 06, 2009, 10:40:43 AM » by Tom Riordan

[A guy gave me a very light, lovely, lively tune to set lyrics to this morning. I'm listening to it and thinking along these lines. Any thoughts?]

WALK ON WATER

Laugh clear as air
Eyes sunlit sea
Gull flying on the tide
Horse running on the sand

To me
You walk on water
You walk on water
You walk on water
to me

Kiss soft as smoke
Skin hot as prayer
Too late to stop
To let go of your hand

Come on baby
Save me
Come to me
I'm drowning
Set me free

To me
You walk on water
You walk on water
You walk on water
to me

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Re: Walk on Water
« Reply #1 on: July 06, 2009, 12:54:19 PM » by Lynn Doiron

I like the two lines of ponies, the two lines of horses. And the staccato way the syllables ring/ping in the walk on water lines.

ld

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My blogs:
http://lwww.lynndoiron.wordpress.com for memoir/journal/poetry

Re: Walk on Water
« Reply #2 on: July 06, 2009, 02:06:44 PM » by Raven Marin

This might be silly but for some reason the song seems as though it'd be sung to a little girl.

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Not a chance
Whatever happened to fiery romance
Oh how I wish it was those dishes you were throwing
Damn you for being so easygoing

Re: Walk on Water
« Reply #3 on: July 06, 2009, 11:10:53 PM » by Tom Riordan

Thanks, Lynn. Don't know if all those ponies/horses are too out there or not. You reaction does help me think about them.

Raven, this is maybe the problem with the "ponies" here. Thank you. Tom

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Re: Walk on Water
« Reply #4 on: July 07, 2009, 12:55:40 AM » by maggie flanagan-wilkie

The 'dry your hair and dry your eyes' lines seem out of sync with the opening line, Tom. Maggie

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Re: Walk on Water
« Reply #5 on: July 07, 2009, 01:02:38 AM » by Tom Riordan

Quote

[A guy gave me a very light, lovely, lively tune to set lyrics to this morning. I'm listening to it and thinking along these lines. Any thoughts?]

Your laugh as light and free as air
Your eyes as fine as smoke
Your touch as simple as the rain
Your taste like summer fruit

To me
You walk on water
You walk on water
You walk on water
to me

Your ponies run your ponies hide
Your ponies frisky all the time
The horses never say goodbye
The horses never say goodbye

   Come on, baby
   Run with me
   Come dry your hair
   Dry your eyes

To me
You walk on water
You walk on water
You walk on water
to me

Yes, you're right, Maggie. Have to get the "dry your eyes" out anyway. Thanks, Tom

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Re: Walk on Water
« Reply #6 on: July 07, 2009, 07:47:19 AM » by Casey Quinn

I think "walk on water" here doesn't fit - you have some good images and then go to somewhat overused cliche for the chorus - I also agree with Maggie just a disconnect from the beginning to the end as far as theme of the song (happy/sad,etc)

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Casey Quinn
My second poetry chapbook Prepare To Crash is now available from Big Table Publishing. Pick up a copy today !

Read some good short prose and poetry - Short Story Library

Re: Walk on Water
« Reply #7 on: July 07, 2009, 08:59:31 AM » by RonBuck

The walk on water is a bit much for me and the double reps with ponies seem weak... and mebbe the placement is a prob... but it is a song and you have music to run it up against so what to do?

baby you are the water to me
still in the morning, slow on the rise
baby you are the water to me
ripples and raindrops side by side

Wild ponies flying on the tide
with trails of spray left behind
Do horses ever say goodbye
Do horses ever say goodbye

just some thoughts... songs are tuff!

tidings
ron

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I'm trying to think, but nothing happens!

Re: Walk on Water
« Reply #8 on: July 07, 2009, 09:06:36 AM » by Tom Riordan

Thank for looking and for your ideas, Ron and Casey. More to think about. Tom

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Re: Walk on Water
« Reply #9 on: July 07, 2009, 12:08:50 PM » by Griffin Smith

I kinda like the double meaning of "to me" in the chorus, the opening reading as 'it seems to me', the closing iteration as directional. Good luck.

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Re: Walk on Water
« Reply #10 on: July 07, 2009, 03:10:38 PM » by Tom Riordan

Thanks Griffin - and the "good luck" too. Tom

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Re: Walk on Water
« Reply #11 on: July 07, 2009, 07:04:59 PM » by Mikael Heller

it all depends on the music, doesn't it?
As a poem it is soso to be honest, but as songlyrics, I can't really tell.

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Re: Walk on Water
« Reply #12 on: July 07, 2009, 07:20:14 PM » by maggie flanagan-wilkie

Much better, Tom.

The opening is still giving me nits though.
Since most of my finger-counting reads a pretty standard use of iambs, with or without substitutions,
the word ommissions, in the first four lines, really stand out.

I wish I could hear the music's rhythm.

Will it work like this?

Your touch is soft as smoke
and your skin has the smoothness of pearls

eyes as simple as the rain isn't working for me, either.

Maggie

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Re: Walk on Water
« Reply #13 on: July 07, 2009, 10:32:52 PM » by Tom Riordan

Thanks, Maggie. I think I'll shorten that 4th line if I can. Oh, the music is just lovely, and it has to be a song with substantial instrumental sections. If/when we get it all together, I'll figure out how to post it. Thanks for feedback. Tom

Quote from: Tom Riordan on July 06, 2009, 10:40:43 AM

[A guy gave me a very light, lovely, lively tune to set lyrics to this morning. I'm listening to it and thinking along these lines. Any thoughts?]

WALK ON WATER

Your touch as soft as smoke
Your skin as smooth as pearl
Your laugh as effortless as air
Your eyes as simple as the rain

To me
You walk on water
You walk on water
You walk on water
to me

Seagulls flying on the tide
Wild ponies running on the sand
Don't wanna ever say goodbye
Don't wanna let go of your hand

   Come on baby
   Run with me
   Let's let it loose
   Let's set it free

To me
You walk on water
You walk on water
You walk on water
to me

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Re: Walk on Water
« Reply #14 on: July 08, 2009, 01:16:06 PM » by Lynn Doiron

seagulls flying / ponies hieing [don't know how to spell hie-ing and don't know the tune, but as a poem -- yeah, yeah, i know it's meant as lyrics -- I'd shorten those lines]

ld

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My blogs:
http://lwww.lynndoiron.wordpress.com for memoir/journal/poetry

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