why the morning eye-glaze
painting me like paper
in pale and simple flowers?

so quickly you've forgotten
I was icing on the muffin
sweet as butter cream last night
 
last night I was worthy
of your hands and knees
crawling through me

bending over when you told me to
leaning forward like I always do
winding limbs around you 
like the taste of pressured wine

Very strong, Cheryl!!.till the very last line, which seems weak after the 2 above it. I don't understand it, I think (or title, then), but that said, do you need it? Tom

Well the original was rearranged with a verse that was supposed to strengthen the 'simple flowers' theme.  But if I don't need it, I sure don't want it.  The lesser the better.

Thanks very much for reading and replying,
cheryl

i agree with tom (of course, i often do...he's got a good eye)...but i have to trake it a bit further and say that the last stanza needs to be reworked.  something just doesn't feel right about it...same thing goes for stanza 3, although to a much lesser degree.
john

the word crawling conjures up so many pictures.
hope you don't change it.

you convey the emotions successfully... right from ..
"what did I do this time" to "if last night I was worthy"
for me the word crawling works well and I hope you
don't change it. maybe fiddle around with "through me"
or flip it into the middle of the stanza

I like this, cherylanne

Stella

I think you hit the nail on the head with this one Cheryl.

No complaints from me, only praise, wonderful job.

S2 really stood out for me, as well as the line "painting me like paper". Beautiful and powerful.

There's a very disturbing and akward atmosphere that fits the subject perfectly.

I think the title could be reworked. If I remember, it was called "the garden wall", which was a wonderful title.

And I'm with Stella, I enjoy the line "crawling through me". I think it speaks to the sickening feeling that's portrayed.

Wonderful job Cheryl.

HAY! Strong and stinging.  love the rhyming stanza, a musical night it must have been.  I dig the emotion as well.  Sums up very well.  Last stanza very straight to the point.

I very much enjoyed.

Tiko

John thanks so much for commenting on this.  After reading them I realized the poem doesn't really need s3 so I removed it. 

Thanks again,
cheryl

Stella, thank you.  Changed some things but left in the images you mentioned.

Stirling, thank you so much!  I hope I didn't ruin the poem for you.

Tiko, I had to laugh when I read your comments.  There was no 'real' night like this and now that I think about it I know I don't need a morning after like this.  But I know what you mean.  The nights you're thinking about are only in my wishes.  Thanks so much for commenting and I'm so glad you liked it.

cheryl

cheryl sorry to say i didn't get a chance to see the original, with that said i think this is quite a depressingly lovely poem.  that second stanza is a hot number this morning, need to throw some ice in my coffee!  that last stanza is very cutting and abrupt, which i think plays well with the sense of wording you have going on.  not sure about that title though? i see the link with it and those last lines, but something perhaps more deprecating? -lawrence

Like what you did with title and last line, Cheryl, but miss "knees". Tom

Lawrence, thank you.  I'm unsure what to title it.  Any suggestions?  And thanks for your compliments.  If you want to see the original, I can conjure it up. 

Tom, thanks.  I was just waiting for someone to give me the excuse to put 'knees' back in.  Just wasn't sure if I should.  Thanks so much for re-visiting and sharing your thoughts.

cheryl

With my three brain cells, the very fact that I remembered "knees" speaks volumes of its power in the poem! To me that's a good revision aid, to question reader after reading the poem: what sticks in your brain from it? Tom

I know!  I agree.  It means alot that you remembered it and I don't think it would be wise of me to pass up the opportunity.

(I remember many of your poems, Tom, by the way, lol.)

cheryl

Cherylanne-I like this alot! alot! And the last stanza and line work pefectly
as your final self-perceptioin. Ken

Hi Ken.  Thank you.  It's not often I get to hear from you.  I'm so glad you like this poem enough to comment on it.

Thanks again,
cheryl

The last line reminds me of a color print, like
a Mary Casatt, leaving the N (yourself?) in a
2-dimensional space that seems perfect. An
accomplished piece!

                                       Ken

Ken, not really me but could be--at least I've felt that way.  Two-dimensional is an awesome description.  And 'accomplished' is more than I could hope for. 

Thank you so much.

cheryl

Nice one, cherylanne!

ld

Thanks so much Lynn.  Hope your book is going well.  I'm always glad when you peek in (or out?), for whatever reason.

cheryl

book is going excellent well!  my editing coach loves it!  i'm working on edits, mostly nit-picky stuff, getting it ready for an agent who's shown some interest in the storyline but hasn't seen the ms. as yet.  If she likes it enough, she'll pitch to NY publishers in September.  sorry i've been so absent!  appreciate your good thoughts!  keep up the good writing!  ld

Cheryl,

I think intent works better if you opened with the last stanza first.
I'd like to see this end with crawling through me.

Glad you edited that stanza out; it was the other nit I had.

Strong, writing. Enjoyed.

Maggie

maggie's suggestion to open with end stanza and end with crawl phrase really works for me.  Good write, regardless.

Maggie thanks so much, and Lynn, as well. 

Help?  I'm wondering about adding or inserting a line about 'vines' and/or 'garden' (garden on the wall is what I had originally referring to 'painting me like paper') which would refer to flowers and wine.  Maybe I could change S3L4 and add another line in S4, but would that be too much?

Any suggestions welcome,
cheryl

Just read it with 3 and 4 switched.

Ending with pressured wine works even better, Cheryl.

Nice piece.

Maggie

Maggie!  Thanks so much for taking a look & commenting.  Your suggestion is just what I needed to have a finished-sort-of feel about this poem.

Right on point.

cheryl

Stopped by for another read. Maggie

Maggie, thanks so much.  I need all the 'reads' I can get.  I hope you feel free to let me know if you see something needing improvement.  You've been a great help so far.

cheryl

Thanks very much for the placement,
cheryl

great to see this picked, cheryl

Thanks Stella.

c

Cherylanne,

I was looking for this.  This is so, so good.  i can taste the longing.  And he....he.....he doesn't deserve you, in this poem or any other!

Tiko

Thank you Tiko.  That is the greatest compliment--to write something a reader remembers
after they walk away.

Doesn't happen to me much.

Thanks very much,
cheryl

Great poem, and congrats on the front page!

james

I have just read this...and all the comments.....don't change a thing!! I like the title...I think Garden Wall is too obvious (wallflower etc) I like the third stanza it's erotic and powerful and make the sensuousness of the poem jump out at the reader and the final line after the three rhymes is also poignant and full of post coital tristesse. Wonderful.
William Bibby

Congrats, Cheryl! Great to read this again. Tom

Diios mio this is beautiful! Congratulations Cherylanne  ;) Let it flow my friend.
JMG

I knew it was a matter of time
before I saw you on the front page.
Congrats!

Congrats Cheryl!!!

Tiko

Muy excelente!  Great pick, maggie.  Great poem, c!

Took a short break...back, and this.  Thanks so much.

cherylanne

marvelous front page pick.

A magnificent poem.

Congratulations,

annelise

Lovely stuff! Sinister and sad, too.

Pam

Lavonne, annelise, Pam, thanks so much from such wonderful ladies with beautiful hearts.

cheryl

you know, i have no idea what i'm trying to say above.  ^^^  how funny.  changing it.

glad to have enjoyed, N

when I logged in and saw a new poem on Front Page, it reminded me that I had not congratulated you on having this fine poem chosen, cherylanne.

a well deserved honour

Stella

oh stella, thank you so much!  and thanks to you too, nora.  sorry i was late in acknowledging your post.

cheryl