why the morning eye-glaze
painting me like paper
in pale and simple flowers?

so quickly you've forgotten
I was icing on the muffin
sweet as butter cream last night
 
last night I was worthy
of your hands and knees
crawling through me

bending over when you told me to
leaning forward like I always do
winding limbs around you 
like the taste of pressured wine

Very strong, Cheryl!!.till the very last line, which seems weak after the 2 above it. I don't understand it, I think (or title, then), but that said, do you need it? Tom

Well the original was rearranged with a verse that was supposed to strengthen the 'simple flowers' theme.  But if I don't need it, I sure don't want it.  The lesser the better.

Thanks very much for reading and replying,
cheryl

i agree with tom (of course, i often do...he's got a good eye)...but i have to trake it a bit further and say that the last stanza needs to be reworked.  something just doesn't feel right about it...same thing goes for stanza 3, although to a much lesser degree.
john

the word crawling conjures up so many pictures.
hope you don't change it.

you convey the emotions successfully... right from ..
"what did I do this time" to "if last night I was worthy"
for me the word crawling works well and I hope you
don't change it. maybe fiddle around with "through me"
or flip it into the middle of the stanza

I like this, cherylanne

Stella

I think you hit the nail on the head with this one Cheryl.

No complaints from me, only praise, wonderful job.

S2 really stood out for me, as well as the line "painting me like paper". Beautiful and powerful.

There's a very disturbing and akward atmosphere that fits the subject perfectly.

I think the title could be reworked. If I remember, it was called "the garden wall", which was a wonderful title.

And I'm with Stella, I enjoy the line "crawling through me". I think it speaks to the sickening feeling that's portrayed.

Wonderful job Cheryl.

HAY! Strong and stinging.  love the rhyming stanza, a musical night it must have been.  I dig the emotion as well.  Sums up very well.  Last stanza very straight to the point.

I very much enjoyed.

Tiko

John thanks so much for commenting on this.  After reading them I realized the poem doesn't really need s3 so I removed it. 

Thanks again,
cheryl

Stella, thank you.  Changed some things but left in the images you mentioned.

Stirling, thank you so much!  I hope I didn't ruin the poem for you.

Tiko, I had to laugh when I read your comments.  There was no 'real' night like this and now that I think about it I know I don't need a morning after like this.  But I know what you mean.  The nights you're thinking about are only in my wishes.  Thanks so much for commenting and I'm so glad you liked it.

cheryl

cheryl sorry to say i didn't get a chance to see the original, with that said i think this is quite a depressingly lovely poem.  that second stanza is a hot number this morning, need to throw some ice in my coffee!  that last stanza is very cutting and abrupt, which i think plays well with the sense of wording you have going on.  not sure about that title though? i see the link with it and those last lines, but something perhaps more deprecating? -lawrence

Like what you did with title and last line, Cheryl, but miss "knees". Tom

Lawrence, thank you.  I'm unsure what to title it.  Any suggestions?  And thanks for your compliments.  If you want to see the original, I can conjure it up. 

Tom, thanks.  I was just waiting for someone to give me the excuse to put 'knees' back in.  Just wasn't sure if I should.  Thanks so much for re-visiting and sharing your thoughts.

cheryl

With my three brain cells, the very fact that I remembered "knees" speaks volumes of its power in the poem! To me that's a good revision aid, to question reader after reading the poem: what sticks in your brain from it? Tom

I know!  I agree.  It means alot that you remembered it and I don't think it would be wise of me to pass up the opportunity.

(I remember many of your poems, Tom, by the way, lol.)

cheryl

Cherylanne-I like this alot! alot! And the last stanza and line work pefectly
as your final self-perceptioin. Ken