Deixis [moved to Submit 7-10]

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Re: Deixis
« Reply #45 on: July 09, 2009, 02:25:22 PM » by ca.leverette

Quote from: Tom Riordan on July 08, 2009, 10:12:03 AM

Been giving a lot of thought to these remarks, took a close look at the emotional path of the poem, charted it out for myself like this:
1 NEUTRAL
2 LOVE
3 LOVE
4 SOUR
5 SOUR
6 SOUR
7 LOVE
8 SOUR [rick bailed]
9 NEUTRAL
10 EXPLORE
11 EXPLORE
12 LOVE
13 EXPLORE
14 EXPLORE
15 EXPLORE
16 NEUTRAL
17 LOVE
18 LOVE
So I have a hypothesis about what happened: after the "love" themes of 2-3, the sour 4-6 were nasty going, then when love returned in 7, only to be slapped down again in no uncertain terms in 8...maybe too dispiriting. Reminds me of my wife and me going to movies, with different tolerances of bleakness: I still enjoy films that extend further into the stingy-hearted Bleak Zone than she does!
Got to spend some time and see if I can get one more ray of emotional light or one less ray of sourness somewhere in there...something.
If my wife and Rick don't find enough heart in it to continue, then there isn't enough heart in it.

I like this too & will take another look at your poem in regard to your emotional response. But you'll probably make some changes. Maybe you wouldn't mind another list? I won't be able to comment until tonight or tomorrow.

cheryl

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"A poem begins as a lump in the throat, a sense of wrong, a homesickness, a lovesickness." ~ Robert Frost

Re: Deixis
« Reply #46 on: July 09, 2009, 03:30:29 PM » by Tom Riordan

Thanks, Cheryl. It's now 21 pieces, and other revisions, and I went back to see if I could do the same kind of analysis I did with the earlier 18, but I can't. Too many of the pieces seem more emotionally complex now. Hopefully that's a good thing! Tom

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Re: Deixis
« Reply #47 on: July 09, 2009, 04:03:00 PM » by ca.leverette

Ok, well I didn't think about it but I can just take what you've already posted and learn from it.

Very cool stuff.

Thanks,
cheryl

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"A poem begins as a lump in the throat, a sense of wrong, a homesickness, a lovesickness." ~ Robert Frost

Re: Deixis
« Reply #48 on: July 10, 2009, 08:34:09 AM » by Tom Riordan

Quote from: Tom Riordan on July 09, 2009, 02:19:29 PM

Yes, I'm going to do it, Lynn. Thanks again. Tom

Lynn, going back to "practice her flirtatious..."!

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Re: Deixis
« Reply #49 on: July 10, 2009, 08:37:45 AM » by ca.leverette

Reading this again this morning is very different from the first time, which is as it should be, considering how much you've worked on it. I thought for a moment about what's different and why it's more enjoyable now than then. I think it's because I see the author in each piece. It's not just rambling of thoughts from out of nowhere. It's much easier, now, to see the person behind the poem.

cheryl

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"A poem begins as a lump in the throat, a sense of wrong, a homesickness, a lovesickness." ~ Robert Frost

Re: Deixis
« Reply #50 on: July 10, 2009, 08:50:45 AM » by Tom Riordan

LOL, I may want to use that for a book-jacket blurb, Cheryl!

"It's not just rambling of thoughts from out of nowhere." --

Seriously, glad it's reading a bit better for you now. -Tom

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Re: Deixis
« Reply #51 on: July 10, 2009, 10:45:27 AM » by ca.leverette

Quote from: Tom Riordan on July 10, 2009, 08:50:45 AM

LOL, I may want to use that for a book-jacket blurb, Cheryl!

"It's not just rambling of thoughts from out of nowhere." --

Seriously, glad it's reading a bit better for you now. -Tom

Well I didn't mean it that way. I can see why it sounds that way though. I'm not the best at saying what I mean sometimes.

Sorry,
cheryl

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"A poem begins as a lump in the throat, a sense of wrong, a homesickness, a lovesickness." ~ Robert Frost

Re: Deixis
« Reply #52 on: July 10, 2009, 10:48:19 AM » by Tom Riordan

I'm just playing around. I knew exactly what you meant, it was very helpful communication, and not the slightest bit step-on-toeing!

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