in the store
of juan el brujo

dust
is reverenced

left to spread
power
with stealthy breath
over the offerings
hung
from rusted nails

spears of agave
dead mice
cicadas rattling snakes
garlic cloves and juniper sprigs
all powder dressed

jars of humbugs
jugs of mescal
the only things
wiped clean
to shine

he stops
his weekly sweeping
of the floor

to watch
dust’s magic
dancing
out the door

Hey Milner,

I'm loving this, particularly the lists you vividly detail and create an atmosphere so completely for the reader.  I have just one bump, a minor one, in the last verse, did you intend for that bit of rhyming?  It feels unintentional because the meter is off from the rest of the poem.

Otherwise, I'm a fan.

Tim

Do so many things so well here, Milner: send us pondering the real wonder of dust, comment on what we prefer to mystery, give a good portrait of Juan--and make us long for those candies, while grinning at the apt way you used their entendre! Very enjoyable, think "all dress themselves/in sacred coats//patina of mystery" might just be "dressed in sacred coats" or something briefer, but I'm hardly one to complain of your (or Rick's) long-windedness! Tom

all dress themselves / in mystery's patina

?

The coats and the mystery was more than I needed, too.  Love the details, Milner.  Always a pleasure.

ld

For better or worse, Tim, the rhyme is intentional. Glad you like that SL.

You're right, Tom and Lynn. The patina of mystery was a left over from a first draft, and should have gone after a changed ending had been devised.

Cheers

milner

I think sanctity/reverenced/power/wisdom/magic is overkill in such a short poem Milner. I'm also confused by the line "all dress themselves". Dress themselves in dust--- is that the point? If so, doesn't that contradict S3? In fact I think S3 is the weakest and could go.
I also find the rhyme distracting and forced. I mean, do we really need the line "of the floor"? Seems it's only there in service of the rhyme.

I do like the idea of a store where dust is reverenced but this isn't coming to life for me just yet.

B.

I guess the problem for you already lies in compression, Brian, as I'm both trying to set the scene, and the 'brujo's' thinking at once. It seems to have got through Ok to others, but I take your points seriously, and will come back fresh to it tomorrow. Too tired now to think clearly, on this or your recent posts.

Cheers

milner

Cheers

Milner,

I side with leaving the lastS alone. The sound stands out and rhymes as Tim points out in a bit out of character, but the sound is also important to that image of dust playing in the sun that we all have witnessed. The play here dances with the flavors of the culture. It's a might precarious, but I think it works-----today.

larry

That you 'think it works----- today', Larry, will do-----for now. I was trying to get that dance music in to that last stanza. Thanks

milner

Some changes to S 3 and 4. Hope these serve better.

Cheers

milner

Milner, I like the new S3's juxtaposition of "power" with imagery that evokes the Crucifixion. The S4 "powder dressed" echoes it in a way that clinks to me, though. Tom

I love this poem.

Thanks, Tom. I'd no idea how hard it would prove to find another word for 'dust' that would suit. I wonder if I used 'smoke dressed' it would work better? Probably too far away and misleading.

Thanks Jay, and for the compliment of a pick.

Cheers

milner

The pleasure is mine. The line breaks, the cadence, everything is wonderful here.