I.

All the cotton wool is sold, michael.
Not a shimmy in the town
& in a metal-hulked broth pot
miniature sheep swim lengths frothingly.

II.

This nose, this ugly nose –
be this my place? Long rotten carrot
with my buttons & sponging scarf –
this scene a sugar-toothed donkey?

I’ve prayed for hot-fudge rain to come
& do what my stumped hands will not.

III.

They smothered tiny jimmy
with an electric blanket –
it smelt of sweat and burnt cooking apples.
His mechanical train-set
was one of the few things left behind.

IV.

One day it was so achingly
cold there was no news.

V.

Mocking carp & the eight tongues of the ice squid
out-poked, licker-smack.
As the loosely clothed man falls through,
a voice sonars like an s.o.s. –

what time will you be checking in, mr houdini?
Mr Houdini?

I'm a little confused by the ending James. Is that Harry Houdini you're referring to? I'm reading it as Houdini drowning in a frozen lake, but didn't he die of a ruptured appendix? Maybe it's not so important but those last two lines gave me quite a bump.

Not getting much from IV but the first three are great. III packs quite a punch.

B.

Hi Brian,

You're on the ball as ever; I did have an explanatory note to this one, but took it off...but it's coming back:

this poem was written at the height of the recent snowstorms in england, which closed the schools and transport etc. a lot of people wrote bad poems about the snow...I wanted to write one that looked around the scene, hinting at it, instead of straight into it. But I really have to explain the Houdini stanza:

from a tiny age up until the age of twenty, I had this notion that Mr Houdini had died by being pushed into a frozen lake by rival magicians. I had this recurring dream of it, of him scratching  desperately against the ice, trying to get out and suck oxygen. Now, the weird thing for me is that this is an absolute fabrication! I read about Houdini when I was a wee man, but still thought this story was true up until recently. So the last section is basically an interpretation of that dream, which I intended to tie in with the distractions of the other sections; it's about misdirection I suppose.

As to stanza four, I thought it was the best: ieveryone's frozen, even the news readers, so there's no news to report in the poem...

maybe I'm wrong about both of those though, and chatting waffle...

thanks for looking in, and excuse the essay...

james

One day it was so frozen
there was no news.

One frozen day
there was no news.


Just tinkering. I like the idea, but not getting it from the execution.

I like the Houdini stanza too actually, should've said that, but those two lines seem too important not to get and not getting them caused the bump.

Now I'm waffling.

(thought u were going to bed)

B.

O Captain! My Captain! Here come the wayward winds, James! Put sumthat cotton in your ears. I'm a flip on Brian's take: like IV even think of snow on TV that blanks news, but think III out of step, too long a stretch from snow! But the whole poem intriguing, great L1 sets up lot of confidence so I let go and let you take me. Tom

Brian, good idea (the second one). Will consider nicking it. Was in bed, cannae sleep, occasional insomnia; got the next few decades to recover, so not really a problem.

I'm not sure about the Houdini stanza myself--too much of a darling?

waffling's ok now that it's not shrove tuesday,

james


------------

and tom, i'm standing on my desk as we speak! III is a bit of a stretch, but I'm not one to tinker with a crime scene ;). thanks

One of the many joys of workshops Tom!

As I mentioned above, I do like the intent behind IV but think it could be executed  . . . . better (damn, I hate using that word)

And I like III for the exact reason you don't! It is a stretch from snow, yes, which leads this reader back to the title (which you probably didn't even read ::) )

B.

:)

How about taking out the bbc english of IV, making it more minimal and reflective of content. liiiike:


frozen day,
no news.


hmmm...

I'll wait for Tom to answer and then disagree.

In this case, I do remember reading it, but not as carefully as I might have and not paying as much attention to it as I might have, either. Whether a reader "should" read titles more carefully or pay more attention to them, and whether a reader "should" do anything, is a good question; I wish I did pay more attention; but it's valuable for us to know what readers actually do do, for what it's worth, and I know from discussion that other readers also give the title short shrift unless the writer compels them to pay more attention to it.
Look at how readers treat footnotes, Introductions, Prefaces. Whether you read at all or carefullly all depends on how much juice you have learned to expect from different components
James, can't say that "frozen day/no news" holds any charms for me.
The case of Houdini is interesting! How many times have I read that an author or filmmaker intentionally or unintentionally altered reality and ended up causing a permanent distortion in the public's "memory" of what the facts were, even to the point of the created mis-fact later showing up in history, biography, et. Your Houdini death story, James, has a bit of that power in it.
-Tom

And now Tom and I agree!

frozen day/no news ---- not working for me James.

I like the Houdini line too and think it should stay. You could maybe give the reader another line at the start of the stanza to anchor the last, but it's pleasingly enigmatic as is, for me.

B.

Perhaps the old maxim " do unto others . . . ." sums up my thinking regards titles, footnotes, epigraphs, etc.

Scout's Honor, Brain, when I wrote down my thoughts about the S3 and S4, I hadn't read your post, then got one of those "someone else has posted" when I went to post it, and rewrote it acknowledging the "dispute"! Tom

I hear that! Not always willing to follow the "do" part, here or elsewhere in life, so for me it's more "Don't expect from others as you would have them not expect from you."

I like this, james.  Have to say I have reread the little Jimmy stanza more than others -- whether for bump or because it intrigues because the sensory images veer so far outside the box creating plus interest rather than minus -- can't say.  But vigorous and fresh -- yes.  I can say yes to all of that.

ld