kj 15feb09

Very powerful story, Ken.
Brings back something that happened in my family a while back. When the Red Army liberated Nazi camps, they had scribes who copied down graffiti from everywhere, and then in decades after the war, a few people sorting through and translating; so my wife's greataunt got a note from Soviets in the 60's with the text of one griffito scrawled on a wall by a young cousin, asking whoever read it to transmit the date that her mother had been shot to her cousin Israel Sachs (wife's greataunt) in Boston, so that yahrzeit might be observed.
-Tom

Tom, now yours is what I call a powerful story.  Thanks for sharing.  You know I can never hear about the death camps without having an image of a murderous commandant relaxing to Beethoven's Eroica or any of the thousand chills in "Bent".  It's strange indeed to think of receiving a message transcribed from graffiti years, decades after a person was killed.  In such a way individuals can still shine through darkness.

k

Very strong poem; the end line is amazing.  Am wondering if months needs a possessive apostrophe.  And thinking this is a pick but will give more time here in Submit, unless someone beats me to it.

lynn

 Lynn,  thanks a bunch for the pick, I'm very honoured.  This one flew into my head and demanded to be heard.  So delighted it survived the journey.  I'm learning so much from the wonderful spirits on this site... especially learning to listen and weigh every word for its contribution.

thanks again,   k

Rod, big thanks for your appreciation and support.  Focus is my current pre-occupation.  I try to focus on something or a situation, and see it from all angles.  It's actually really tough (well it is for me) but with this one it worked... that's where the last line came from, that focus that showed me how sharp the blade would be to hold and use.

Have you been writing a long while?  I spotted a ref to you having a notebook...
k

Hi

I'm pretty sure "prisoners" should be "prisoner's".
sad poem
but well done.
 




 

Hi Scott and many thanks.... I wanted to do this without punctuation. Punctuation and prisoners didn't seem to go.  Have I lost something?

thnx,  k 

hard to say.
it does slow the reader up a bit in those places
(same for "months") trying to piece it together,
but only slightly.

 

Just me, but I think it works without the punctuation this time around.  I keep trying to imagine the prisoner [and I know this is a leap from poem and poet and keyboard and actual writing of poem to the wall and the blade] bleeding apostrophes onto the wall and I don't see that happening.  If you'd put one apostrophe in and not the other, well, a different story.  I like this as you have it -- but it's just one opinion.

Appreciated Scott and Lynn.  It does feel right this time without punctuation.  Partly because of the subject (and your imaginative leap puts it vividly Lynn) and also because I did want to slow the reader down, .. find a way of checking their eyes, asking if they've really looked close?  Personally I struggle with long poems without punctuation. 

k

well played, this is beautiful

I agree it's very beautifully written, but it comes as across as cliche to me. Prisoner scratching on a wall; blade procured probably by granting sexual favours (which seems a little far fetched) --- these are quite familiar motifs in any prison story. And the wings are a pretty heavy handed symbol.

I also wonder, is it meant to be laid out like that? It's not very attractive on the page. Did you want it all centred? If so, you you should enter a few returns at the top of the post to take it down past your profile picture, which causes it to screw up sometimes.

Sorry Kev, hate to be negative, but I have to be honest.

B.

Very strong poem.  It's almost as if the words disappear under the images.

Rick

go, kevin! tom