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  Family Business
« on: January 25, 2009, 04:12:25 PM » by Sherry Thrasher
Aunt Laurel smokes weed--

Aunt Laurel lives in Phoenix
sells nickel bags full of
stems and seeds;
says life is smooth as velvet.
Her fingers ride the table top,
glide across the white Formica, tap
ashes into the amber tray.

When she was a child
she rode a teal-green bike,
ate crisp Granny Smiths plucked
from a neighbor's tree. Today,
Grandma prays to the Lord,

seeks divine illumination, pays
three fifty to spring
Auntie Laurel from jail.
Grandma shakes her head, spits
on the Birmingham Times.
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It snowed last year too: I made a snowman and my brother knocked it down and I knocked my brother down and then we had tea.
~Dylan Thomas

http://www.culinarygradseekswritinggig.blogspot.com
  Re: Family Business
« Reply #1 on: January 25, 2009, 05:48:42 PM » by Jerry Pike
the colour mentions add so well to your descriptions, and the lady/women is a super character, like it
jerry
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  Re: Family Business
« Reply #2 on: January 25, 2009, 06:05:28 PM » by Tom Riordan
Quote from: Sherry Thrasher on January 25, 2009, 04:12:25 PM
Aunt Laurel smokes weed--
Aunt Laurel lives in Phoenix
and she sells bags of weed;
she says it makes her smooth like velvet.
Her fingers ride the table top,
glide across the white Formica, tapping
ashes into the amber tray.

When she was a child
she rode a teal-green bike,
ate crisp Granny Smiths plucked
from a neighbors tree.

Today, Grandma prays to the Lord,
she prays for illumination
and pays three hundred fifty to spring
Laurel from jail.
Grandma shakes her head
and spits on the Birmingham Times.
Todays fortune read:
"The current year will bring much happiness."
Sherry, the first 2 lines kill me, love them. 4-6 wonderful too.
"neighbors" = "neighbor's"?
Love "Grandma shakes her head
and spits on the Birmingham Times."
I'd maybe end there; if not, "Todays" = "Today's"?
Some very good poem here.
-Tom
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  Re: Family Business
« Reply #3 on: January 25, 2009, 07:57:02 PM » by Sherry Thrasher
Many thanks.  A few edits made.
Logged

It snowed last year too: I made a snowman and my brother knocked it down and I knocked my brother down and then we had tea.
~Dylan Thomas

http://www.culinarygradseekswritinggig.blogspot.com
  Re: Family Business
« Reply #4 on: January 25, 2009, 08:52:10 PM » by Jill Winkowski
"Her fingers ride the table top,
gliding across the white Formica, tapping
ashes into the amber tray."
Really wonderful image here, Sherry. I like the breadth of this poem.
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"FOR God's sake hold your tongue, and let me love ;" John Donne, The Canonization
  Re: Family Business
« Reply #5 on: January 25, 2009, 10:53:10 PM » by brian_edwards
Enjoyed this Sherry. A few small suggestions.

L3 nix she? Oh, or bags of?
glide for gliding?
tap for tapping?
Nix just from next to last line? Doesn't really make sense after the praying and paying.

I enjoyed the details, like how Aunt becomes Auntie in the last S, suggesting Grandma's voice. Nice.

B.



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  Re: Family Business
« Reply #6 on: January 25, 2009, 11:14:59 PM » by cyprus knees
I really like this. So much voice. I love 'just' I'm a fan of the word in such big ways though and feel it holds probably more than it does.
S1 is definitely my favourite, a very inviting start.
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  Re: Family Business
« Reply #7 on: January 25, 2009, 11:54:28 PM » by Sherry Thrasher
Good eye.  Thanks, B.
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It snowed last year too: I made a snowman and my brother knocked it down and I knocked my brother down and then we had tea.
~Dylan Thomas

http://www.culinarygradseekswritinggig.blogspot.com
  Re: Family Business
« Reply #8 on: January 26, 2009, 12:06:31 AM » by brian_edwards
One other thing Sherry. Does Phoenix have a significance that is lost on this Englishman? It's not a problem at all, but wondered if I was missing out on something that other readers might enjoy.

B.

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  Re: Family Business
« Reply #9 on: January 26, 2009, 12:37:35 AM » by Michael Savage
Very good poem. I liked it alot. The beginning and ending stanzas really stand out good.
Michael
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A smile goes a long way.

Michael
  Re: Family Business
« Reply #10 on: January 26, 2009, 11:22:57 AM » by Sherry Thrasher
This poem was written using:  Apple, bicycle, phoenix, velvet and lord.  It also used a fortune from a Chinese fortune cookie which was the deleted last two lines in the first draft.

Laurel lives in Phoenix and that one word inspired the poem.  I am enjoying my Sunday workshop.

Sherry
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It snowed last year too: I made a snowman and my brother knocked it down and I knocked my brother down and then we had tea.
~Dylan Thomas

http://www.culinarygradseekswritinggig.blogspot.com
  Re: Family Business
« Reply #11 on: January 26, 2009, 11:30:18 AM » by milner place
This must have gone down well in the workshop, as it does for me, Sherry.

Cheers

milner
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'Caminante, no hay camino,
se hace camino al andar'
- Antonio Machado

Latest book 'naked invitation' $15 or £10, p&p inc milnerplace@msn.com
  Re: Family Business
« Reply #12 on: January 26, 2009, 08:08:06 PM » by Lynne Bassler
Nice strong voice, good details.  (love the teal bike, white formica, and spitting on the Times.) 

 I am impressed at how much you have grown in a relatively short time---every aspect of your poetry makes it obvious that you are thinking, working, learning.   I'm excited for you!   Looking forward to more, Sherry.
Lynne
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  Re: Family Business
« Reply #13 on: January 27, 2009, 03:29:15 PM » by Sherry Thrasher
Coming from you that is a HUGE compliment.  I am humbled, sincerely humbled and thankful that I have had such wonderful friends and teachers who have had the patience (and stomach) to read my words as I have learned to drag them through the ranks.

Sherry
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It snowed last year too: I made a snowman and my brother knocked it down and I knocked my brother down and then we had tea.
~Dylan Thomas

http://www.culinarygradseekswritinggig.blogspot.com
  Re: Family Business
« Reply #14 on: January 28, 2009, 05:20:36 PM » by Rick Stansberger
I like how this portrays a family relationship.  Mind if I tinker a bit?

Aunt Laurel smokes weed--
Aunt Laurel lives in Phoenix[,]
and sells nickel bags of weed;
says life is smooth like velvet.
Her fingers ride the table top,
glide across the white Formica, tap
ashes into the amber tray.

When she was a child
she rode a teal-green bike,
ate crisp Granny Smiths plucked
from a neighbor's tree. Today,
Grandma prays to the Lord

she prays for illumination [,]and pays
three hundred and fifty to spring
Auntie Laurel from jail.
Grandma shakes her head
and spits on the Birmingham Times.

???
What think you?

Rick

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Rick's fifth book is out:  Gizmo--love, loss and the passion to know--in the first part of the last century.
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