he only hires
pretty girls
i knew that
as soon as i handed
in the application
the rest of the
cashiers are
brooding brunettes
and a young
brassy blonde
steve was pissed
off, "you always get hired,
and you've only been
looking for three days!"
i've never
had a
boss that
wasn't a
man
i've found
older men
to be
worse than
their younger
counterparts
i thought about
quitting
but the hours are good,
the place close, and it's
not cold
i've dabbled
in the notion
of school, but
i'd rather keep
the cashier job,
besides who says
there will be a
job waiting in
four years?
truth is i can't
grow up
even though my
life is moving
in that direction
my parents
abandoned me
with nothing
i'm engaged
and
looking for
a new apt.
after a
disastrous
few months
that led
to us living
at my
mother-in-law's house
im not
ready to
spend my
money on
bullshit classes
instead of
good
times
and
possible
profits
from a
degree
don't move me
as much
as the mountains
and seas of
my adventures.

I like the mountains moving you. Nit: im or i'm? The poem has a lot of irony in the "good times" being purchased consist of living with mother-in-law, cashiering for lech, and not being cold! The "mountains and seas" of her adventures are fantasy, and the reality being paid is perhaps real. But there is no reason to conclude that it's a good or bad bargain. She likes it.
You give us a good look at a person in "work," and that is always interesting. Tom

I'm struggling to find justification for the incessant line breaks. For what reason do any of these deserve the privilege of a whole line:

the rest of the
had a
wasn't a
to be
worse than
there will be a
even though my
and
after a
at my
im not
instead of
good
times
and
possible
from a
as much

I'm not saying that you don't have intent behind it - just that I fail to see it, and am curious what it is. The whole thing seems quite prosaic to me,

Thanks

James

I like the way the words fall in this cataract of dribble (don't mean that badly) from the lips, Jess. Also admire the content. Will be a pick.

milner

As a teacher it killllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllls me.

But I get and am in with JTH about the line breaks.

Why is a 'cataract of dribble' in any way relevant to the content of the poem? To me, this is just prose with the enter key running rampage. I hope that doesn't sound rude, I'm just trying to open a discussion.

Thanks,

James

What is and isn't 'poetry' will be discussed as long as it's written, James. If you want a discussion on this, please start it on the 'Discussions' board.

Meanwhile, I'm picking this.

milner

With all due respect Milner, I'm not really looking for a discussion on the nature of poetry itself. I specifically wanted to discuss the merits of this particular poem, which is, I assume, the raison d'etre of the 'reply' section.

Thanks,

James

Enjoyed the piece the sharp drop of the lines adds a certain introspection.

Mel

I think Tom's analysis has very clearly identified the strengths of this rather deft piece. The line brealks give it a suitably babbly quality.

I second James regarding the form. I found the line-breaks to be nothing more than a distraction. Perhaps I'm missing something, but they seem completely arbitrary; I fail to see their connection to the content (which I did enjoy). I think it's a perfectly reasonable debate to have.

I might have made the line breaks different if it were my poem but it's not . :)

Each poet breaks lines for their own reasons. Me - I do it by instinct, it's the natural place for me to pause if I were reading aloud or perhaps it's the place where I want to create a pause before introducing an idea.

This poem works for me mostly. It's like a register tape with an interesting total at the bottom.

Jess, not to be a noodge, but you alternate "i'm" and "im"...I don't want anyone distracted from the fine poem!

i'm engaged
and
looking for
a new apt.
after a
disastrous
few months
that led
to us living
at my
mother-in-law's house
im not

--Tom

sorry for not commenting, i didnt realize! this piece started off with punctuation, but then i threw it all to the wind, i like it as a ramble, its actually a two-piece, the other half in my journal titled mountains and seas