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Pink / Purple

By Poppy Turner, May 5, 2015.

More work by Poppy Turner
  1. Poppy Turner

    Poppy Turner New Member

    When summer comes,
    turning blossoms into fruit
    and the city sticky slow,

    we walk until we’re tired.
    We stop and look at light
    reflecting off things – tiles,

    tall buildings, snails’ shells;
    the skunk cabbages doubled
    in the chattering stream.

    When evening comes,
    with the sun on our bodies
    settling, soaking in,

    we unfurl, silky skin petals
    poking out like tongues
    to taste moonlight.

    Our blood hums
    with the day’s activity,
    pulsing in tune with the night.
     
  2. Dale Patterson

    Dale Patterson Well-Known Member

    Hi Poppy, your name is appropriate for a summer poem. I enjoyed strolling with this couple and sharing in their observations. I saw a few areas where the poem could be tightened up. I put them below, take it for what it is worth.
    When summer comes,
    turning the turns blossoms into fruit
    and the city sticky slow –

    we walk until we are tired. ,
    We stop and look at light
    reflecting off things – tiles,

    tall buildings, snails’ shells,
    the skunk cabbages doubled
    in the chattering stream.

    When evening comes,
    with the sun on our bodies
    settling - soaking in,

    we unfurl, silky skin petals
    poking out like tongues
    to taste moonlight.

    Our blood hums
    with the day’s activity,
    pulsing in tune with the night.

     
  3. Lance Rocks

    Lance Rocks Never Force Supporter Editor

    Enjoyed this, Poppy!

    CRITIQUE

    I critique from the perspective of an audience which wants to immediately grasp what's being said...rather than exerting energy and time trying to figure out where a Narrator's thoughts and/or sentences start and end.

    I also prune for beauty and for narrative drive.*

    1.
    I want to look for non-essential words which can be beneficially removed. This would include cutting "the" in S1 L2.

    (The "the" of next line L3, by contrast, is required for sense.)

    2.
    Always a judgement call on when or whether to use a contraction. A non-contraction is more formal while contractions can be more like natural speech.

    My final call is based on how smooth or easily any given phrase flows from my mouth during recitation...which is why I would personally consider changing to "we're" for "we are" in S2 L1.

    Again, my opinion is based on natural speech as spoken here in Southern California. Should I feel a need for more textual formality - which can happen - I use the non-conjunction.

    3.
    Under musicality, how can I make a kind of clunky phrase more beautiful or efficient? Your "light / reflecting off things" reads kind of clunky to me. I see a solution if any interest.

    4.
    The dash of S2 L3 should be a colon. Colons mean "Please note what follows" and nothing else - so any time my Narrator is grammatically thinking "Please note what follows" I use a colon.

    An author will be judged by her skill using colons, semi-colons, dashes and ellipses...so it pays to learn their rules of usage.

    These rules are not very complex or difficult: their usage is tried and true.

    (Marks are part of a language as much as letters are part of an alphabet. They are used to help indigenous readers understand what's been inscribed.)

    ***

    This is enough for now. Happy to continue should you have further interest in this kind of analysis!

    Sincerely,

    Lance

    *Another point with me is the overall structure of a piece - haven't yet considered this for "Pink / Purple."
     
    Jenn Zed likes this.
  4. Marian Veverka

    Marian Veverka Well-Known Member

    I like poems with descriptions & there are some nice ones in here.  I also agree with Lance's pointers.  The next to last stanza really caught my attention - now I wonder what Lance will do with it & the stanza that follows?
     
    Lance Rocks and Jenn Zed like this.
  5. Cheryl.Leverette

    Cheryl.Leverette ginmuse by mistercalm (Drew Johnson)

    Is this a new Poppy?  Welcome to PC, if so.
     
    Jenn Zed likes this.
  6. rashmi

    rashmi Well-Known Member

    enjoyed this wonderful write! love the poet's perspective!
     
  7. Paul Brookes

    Paul Brookes second most unwanted member Supporter

    Beautiful, consistent 'sticky slow' steady rhythm and observation. You set it up in s1 and allow the reader to immerse themselves in the season.
     
  8. Jay Dougherty

    Jay Dougherty Well Worn Editor

    Very, very nice. Worth bookmarking.
     
    Cheryl.Leverette likes this.
  9. Poppy Turner

    Poppy Turner New Member

    Hi Cheryl - I am indeed a new Poppy!
    Thanks Dale and Lance for your suggestions - they're very helpful. Sorry to not have responded sooner, I didn't think about the timing of my post and put the poem up just before I went away for a few days away from my computer.
     
  10. Jay Dougherty

    Jay Dougherty Well Worn Editor

    I love this progression:

    I can spot a talented writer in a very short time. This progression says a lot to me. I'm picking this.
     
  11. Miya Ko

    Miya Ko Literary Polyphonist Supporter

    this is a sonic poem. beautiful.

    When summer comes,
    turning the blossoms into fruit
    and the city sticky slow—

    we walk until we are tired.
    We stop and look at light
    reflecting
    off things—tiles,

    I'll stop there.  each line has a pair of words that have the same embedded sounds--assonance and consonance.  I'll include alliteration too.  

    Very nice.

    Miya
     
    Jay Dougherty likes this.
  12. Poppy Turner

    Poppy Turner New Member

    Thanks for the pick Jay, I appreciate it!
     
    Jenn Zed likes this.
  13. TrishSaunders

    TrishSaunders Member Supporter Editor

    Beautiful poem, and I'm amazed I didn't see it sooner, so I'm featuring this on fp.
    Hope the poet comes back soon!
     
  14. Poppy Turner

    Poppy Turner New Member

    wow, thanks Trish!
    I've been super busy over the summer but hopefully will post some more things soon.
     
    Paul Brookes likes this.
  15. Poppy Turner

    Poppy Turner New Member

    Also I think you're right about the title Casey, Pink/Purple was more of a working title. Is it too late to change it to just 'When Summer Comes' now?
     
    Paul Brookes likes this.
  16. Cheryl.Leverette

    Cheryl.Leverette ginmuse by mistercalm (Drew Johnson)

    Congratulations, Poppy.  I know you must be proud.
     
    Paul Brookes likes this.
  17. TrishSaunders

    TrishSaunders Member Supporter Editor

    The artwork is chosen to enhance the title.
    I can change the title, not the illustration, it could still work.
    I sent you an email about this, Poppy. Thanks!
     
  18. TrishSaunders

    TrishSaunders Member Supporter Editor

    The title was one of the things that attracted me to the poem, Poppy. But it CAN be changed. I'm not making you keep a title you don't want? I would hate that. :) But honestly, I like Pink/Purple better than When Summer Comes. Your call.
     
  19. TrishSaunders

    TrishSaunders Member Supporter Editor

    It's not a worry, Casey.....can go either way
     
  20. Michael Ashley

    Michael Ashley Fuckwit Extraordinaire Editor

    Congrats poppy, I like he title and the presentation.
    Mike
     
    Cheryl.Leverette likes this.
  21. Cheryl.Leverette

    Cheryl.Leverette ginmuse by mistercalm (Drew Johnson)

    nice line.